Imagine one night you’re at a party. You hear someone behind you talking loudly, effusively. They are saying something that sounds suspicious — how “we only use cars because Big Auto is behind a conspiracy to keep people from teleporting.”
Teleporting? You turn around, and realize it’s someone you know.
What do you do?
Stand up, pull out a napkin, draw a detailed diagram of why teleportation violates the laws of physics, and explain exactly how they’re wrong using math?
Laugh at them, call them an idiot in the cleverest way possible, and spend the rest of your night ranting despondently about humanity?
Say, “I’ve never heard about this… I’d love to learn. Tell me more?”
The internet rewards us mightily for choosing option #2. Likes, shares, and attention is all fueled by dunking, righteous call-outs, and making other people look pretty bad.
But a lot of our friends and family members increasingly hold beliefs that feel strange to us. By now we’ve all been in a group chat or a dinner party that was interrupted by an idea that feels proximal to a conspiracy.
It’s hard to know what to do. These are often people we care about — or at least people we care about persuading otherwise. When these beliefs become apparent, it’s important to open door #3.
This is a brief post explaining how you might have that conversation, gently and effectively, using a handful of useful steps backed by research and some experience.
First Assume They Aren’t Crazy
This can feel like a radical proposition: people who believe wild things are often coming from a rational place. Much of the time they are operating with different priors, and different informational inputs.
Your friend yelling about teleportation has not necessarily lost it. He may have seen a YouTube video about quantum tunneling, and then joined a Facebook group where he learned about suppressed tech from GM in the 90s, all after spending an inordinate amount of his life stuck in traffic. He has a motivated belief, and may be in a community of people that support it.
If you start by calling him wrong, you’ll bounce off his social and mental defenses. The conversation will be over. No persuasion, no new ideas.
Climbing the Mountain
Before you begin, take a deep breath and look at the task ahead. You should think about this like climbing a mountain. It has three peaks.
Peak 1, which everyone must traverse in order to have a successful conversation, is ensuring you understand them, where they are coming from, and how they formed this belief. If you cannot get here, the rest of the mountain is out of reach. Peak 2 is getting to the point that the other person understands you. At the summit is a changed mind. You cannot scale the sheer cliff to get there, and you must follow the paths upward from the bottom.
Beliefs Exist on a Spectrum
People’s beliefs are not binary — they exist in intervals of confidence. And they also don’t shift quickly. You should not expect people to change their minds after a single conversation. Instead think about this as a way to pull the slider a little towards your side. Getting them 10% closer to your side is actually a real success. Start with that goal.
When & How
Talk when emotions are cool, preferably without an audience
Engage when emotions are calm. Trying to persuade during a heated moment often hardens their stance. Better to be in a relaxed social context.
A large audience creates additional incentives for performance, so try to have your conversation one on one. A few additional people can make them more defensive or sensitive about sharing their ideas. Be curious and playful with the approach.
Online vs. Offline
In general, In Person > Video Call > Call > Private Text > Public Thread
In-person is better than a call. A call is better than private text or email. A private text is better than a public thread. But all are okay if you can follow the protocol, maintain a gentle attitude, and keep your cool.
Be the Listener You Want Them to Be
Most beliefs, even conspiratorial ones, are based on some bit of truth.
Try to model the stance that you are open to changing your own mind if presented with the right evidence. This is intellectual humility 101, and when you show it, you implicitly invite them to show it in return. In practice this can feel uncomfortable, but it’s important to acknowledge the possibility that they’re actually partially right.
The Process
We’re going to stay with the Teleportation example here — yes it’s silly. But it’s a stand-in for any belief, even serious ones.
Step 1: Set Trust
Slow down and actually find out if they even want to talk about this. Start by asking how they’re doing and why this topic matters to them — show curiosity. If you push too hard, too fast, they’ll likely shut down. Let them know they can share their story on their own terms.
“How did you first stumble on this idea?”
“I’m super curious how you arrived here, and I’d love to explore it together.”
Because when someone feels heard, they open up. Create a chill, respectful vibe and ask like you mean it.
Step 2: Clarify
Once you’re both comfortable, ask them directly:
“I’d love to get clear, what do you believe about X?”
Then, repeat it back to them — in your own words — and see if that’s right. Double-check you’re talking about the same concept (because words like “science,” “institutions,” or “The Man” can mean different things to different people).
“Ok, just so I understand, can I repeat it back to you?”
For example: “So, you’re saying that Big Auto is hiding teleportation technology to protect their profits. Did I get that right?”
At this point, look for emotional cues. If someone is especially upset or angry about something — (ie. “The truth is being hidden!”) leave space to acknowledge that feeling. “Thanks for sharing that.”
Keep refining the definition until they go, “Yes, exactly.” You want an accurate snapshot of their actual position, not some fuzzy or misunderstood version.
Sometimes, people will drop several contingent beliefs. (For example, #1 Teleportation is real. #2 Big Auto is behind the coverup. #3 Scientists have been paid off.)
Clarify each belief before you move on.
Step 3: Peg Their Confidence
Next, try to measure how strongly they believe in these statements.
Ask them to rate their confidence, 0 to 100. It’s not about locking them into a number; it’s about getting them to reflect. Sometimes just picking a number helps people realize they might not be 100% certain — or maybe they are.
“On a scale of 0 to 100, how confident are you about this being true?
This step opens a little door to introspection. Even if they say 100, that’s still valuable info to have. When they feel safe, most people will admit their beliefs are a bit less confident than that. Keep it mind.
Step 4: Gather Evidence
The real conversation begins here. Your goal is simple: understand what convinced them while creating space for clear reflection. You’re here to explore, not challenge their identity or fundamental worldview.
Start with genuine curiosity:
"What convinced you the most about this? I'd love to understand."
Then explore that evidence:
"Could you tell me more about where you first learned about it?"
"What made this explanation feel right to you?"
“When were you convinced this was true? What was the evidence?”
Listen carefully for their journey - both what they discovered and how they felt about it. When they share something important, reflect it back: "So you found [X] and that really connected with your experience of [Y]..."
If something isn't clear, it's okay to ask:
"Could you help me understand that part better?"
"How did you figure out if this information was reliable?"
Remember: Keep it curious, and don't rush. You're having a conversation, not conducting an investigation. One or two good questions are often more effective than ten probing ones.
Step 5: Examine and Question
Once you've built this foundation of evidence, you can introduce more challenging questions. The key is to help them examine their own confidence levels:
"Earlier you said you were [X%] confident about this. What is the basis for the % of your doubt?”
"You're clearly someone who thinks carefully about evidence. Using these same standards, what's the weakest link in your explanation?”
Then use their own logic to explore uncertainties:
If they mentioned a dubious source: “What makes this piece of evidence trustworthy?”
“Do you think it’s possible this evidence could be interpreted differently by someone else?”
If they cite a far-fetched pattern: "Does this pattern have any alternate or simpler explanations?"
If they reference hidden knowledge: "What would it take to keep something this big hidden?"
Invite them to apply their own intelligence and skepticism more broadly. If there is some heat, don’t avoid it entirely—it’s usually a sign you’ve hit a core issue worth tackling. Keep it civil, and keep the conversation going in good faith.
Step 6: Flip It
At some point, you’ll sense you’ve gone as far as you can for now. From here, offer to flip the conversation. Let them to ask you the same series of questions about how you formed your belief, in the same way.
Give them the same opportunity they gave you — literally go through the above questions.
Let them ask you what you believe about the topic. Define it clearly.
Peg the confidence level of your belief.
Let them inquire with the same questions as above on steps 4 and 5.
As you do this, you’ll already have a great sense of the dimensions of their belief. Offer your own evidence that might counter it. Concede where they might be right. And explain how you formed your own beliefs, and let them ask follow up clarifying questions.
Explaining the contours of your belief — the how and why — is actually one of the best ways to shift perspective. It shows you’re serious about getting closer to the truth. You are making a case based on the evidence, and you’re giving them a chance to explore it symmetrically.
Step 7: Reflect & Close
When things start to circle, or feel strained or tired, wrap it up for now. Ask if their confidence has shifted at all.
“After all this, has your confidence changed even a little? Why?”
Maybe it’s different, maybe it’s still the same. That’s okay. You’ve planted a seed of reflection, and that’s enough for now. Thank them for sharing and being open, and invite them to continue the conversation later.
You may have a better sense now of how to continue the dialog based on the evidence at hand. The goal isn’t to instantly convert them. It’s to leave the door open for future critical thinking, to strengthen your connection, and to show that exploring these beliefs can be done with mutual respect.
Progress is Success
Very few people change their mind in a single chat. But they will likely remember it next time the topic comes up. This is often the beginning of a dialectic between you and them. What you’re showing is that you’re another mind on this journey of inquiry — and that it’s OK to question some of these deeply held beliefs.
Every time I’ve done this exercise I’ve found myself becoming more logically grounded in my own opinions, and more aware of the flaws in my own arguments. At times, I’ve even found a few of my own beliefs slide a bit towards theirs in a meaningful way.
This method sidesteps the defensive reactions triggered by starting exclusively with fact-based refutations. People are less likely to dig in their heels when the conversation feels like a collaborative exploration rather than a zero-sum game. If they still trust you at the end of the conversation, you’ve done well.
Disagreement is an act of care
A lot of success here lies is simply the process of ensuring that the person feels seen and heard. They want to be acknowledged as a curious human that deserves respect. If you can leave the conversation with a fundamental feeling, “We disagree, but we’re still in this together,” is a great place to land.
As individuals, we’re actually very bad at seeing the flaws in our own arguments. The world we live in is increasingly full of motivated reasoning, clusters of fuzzy logic, and cultures of messy ideas. All of us may at some point fall into a confused or half-baked set of beliefs. When we do, we must rely on others to help get us out.
Reasoned argumentation — the art of unpacking ideas, threading inconsistencies, sifting claims with integrity, exploring logic, and sometimes even persuading others — is one of the most important skills our species has developed. This type of patient disagreement pushes us all forward, and is a deep gesture of care.
Thank you for caring.
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A few notes:
This is adapted from a number of sources — notably and a handful of ideas from a good book by David McRaney, the practice of street epistemology (and synthesizing and acknowledging it’s critics), and deep canvasing, and Defender’s excellent series of posts on how to argue better on the internet.
Fun story: The original study on deep canvassing—using empathetic, personal conversations to shift opinions—was retracted for fraudulent data. However, the people who called out the fraudulent data: David Broockman and Joshua Kalla actually *confirmed* the technique’s validity in a later study. Their findings show that sincere, respectful exchanges do produce lasting changes in attitudes, especially when participants feel genuinely heard and understood. Fun 8yo recap here.
I asked Claude to help me put together a mnemonic to remember this process (Trust, Clarify, Peg, Gather, Examine, Flip, Reflect). Way too much to be catchy, I know. But it gave me “Tiny Conspiracies Produce Giant Extraterrestrial Flying Rabbits” and "The Careful Penguin Gently Explores Frozen Rivers" which are pretty great. I’ll do better next time.
If you enjoyed this, I wrote a book, also called Outrage Machine which unpacks how we found ourselves in a broken shared reality, with a lot of helpful frameworks like this. It’s available on Amazon, Audible, and wherever books are sold.
Happy holidays! Thanks for reading. Your attention is an gift I very much appreciate.